There’s a part of me that wanted to die.
I used to silence it.
“I want to die,” a voice would tell me.
“You’re wrong! You’re bad! You’re weak!” I would reply. “I WANT TO BE WELL,” I would shout out loud in my head.
Destructive thoughts are destructive, so I’d suppress destructive thoughts.
The echo of the new affirmation would fill up every corner of my head: “I want to be well… be well… well…”
The timid voice that wished to die would hide frightened in a few dark corners of my body it made its own: Somewhere in the middle of my brain, somewhere at the front of my throat, somewhere around my Heart…
As soon as this dark part of me would try and express itself, I had now become proficient in altering its statement: “I want to…” “BE WELL,” I would complement hurriedly.
I pitied that part of me that wanted to die.
I felt Shame and Guilt.
How could there be a part of me that felt ungrateful for the miracle that is life?
“People would kill to have everything you have!” I’d tell that disgraceful voice.
“I just want to die…” it would mumble.
“BE GRATEFUL! BE HAPPY!” I’d reply.
Let me settle this once and for all: I’d never commit suicide. The frightened part of me was never in control.
I’d become an expert at numbing it.
I had all these tools in my toolbox that made me feel good, and that made me feel grateful. I loved life.
I’ve always loved life.
Yes, I do like to put a label over my many years of suppressing that voice as CHRONIC DEPRESSION.
But, ironically, that does not mean that I was not happy!
I just wasn’t as happy as I can be! I had depressed the peak value of my happiness.
In comes Yoga.
With Yoga comes Wisdom. And Wisdom beats Ignorance.
For years, I had been ignorant of what I now call my state of Chronic Depression. And being ignorant felt good. Being ignorant felt easy.
Ignorance is bliss, but bliss isn’t Happiness.
So Yoga burst my blissful bubble. I was now getting to be in tune with my inner self, and I could now see how messed up that inner self was.
I started feeling fake. And putting on a smile was becoming more and more effortful.
At the same time, I had perfected my feel-good activities and I’d run down to them and be happy.
I’d be going to the gym, I’d be helping others, I’d be singing my heart out, I’d be engaging in deep conversations, I’d be going out with friends…
But being happy just wasn’t right any more.
There had to be more to Happiness than this depleted emotion of ‘survival against all odds’.
Oh my Lord, did it take me a lot of Yoga to come to the constructive realisation.
I finally know:
Who I am is not that Ego that tells that suicidal part to be quiet. Who I am is not that part of me that wants me not to die, that fights for this life to be easy, that fights for me to fit in…
And, despite my fears, Who I am is not that part of me that wants me to die, either. Who I am is not that frightened voice that knows that I’m different and takes on it all this burden to be perfect, in all the twisted ways society has distorted the term perfect to mean. I am not that frightened voice that has believed the story the Ego has been telling it, on what it means to be happy and what it takes to lead a life with ease… I am not that frightened voice that knows that I’m different, and that this makes fitting into ordinary be so very hard, so very burdensome, that it just wants to die, because it would be so easy to just die, and not have to deal with all this mess… All this mess…
With the help of Yoga, there was a shift of perspective.
Who I am was now this compassionate and calm Self above "all this mess”. It was a Self that looked down at ‘the mess’ with unconditional Love. And, suddenly, the mess was making sense.
All these parts of me that were making up this beautiful individual that had been given a name, a status, a job, a religion, a gender, a sex, a purpose, and all those labels… All these parts were doing their best to serve me.
I suddenly felt grateful for all these parts. They are all good. They all serve a purpose. The only issue was that they needed the real Who I am to guide them and show some unconditional Love to them. Because they often have difficult jobs, and their drive to serve their purpose sometimes has them overwork and get out of control… And then it all becomes a mess…
But as soon as I was in tune with Who I am, every part would come back into balance!
And, in particular, as soon as I felt grateful for the frightened part that wanted to please everyone, that frightened part was no longer frightened! Instead, it knew it was serving a purpose. It understood it had gone out of control.
The Self reassured it that it was doing an amazing job, and that it is not up to me to make everyone happy. This was such a heavy burden to bear; ease comes with honesty and authenticity, not with effortful adjustments to everyone else’s needs…
The Self reassured the voice that I am beautiful because I am different, and not despite of that. Yes, there is a privilege in being ‘ordinary’; life goes by with less work to be put and less comfort zones to be surpassed;
but there’s so much more beauty and power in being extraordinary.
And it is my mission to show everyone the limitless potential they can tune into by embracing their extraordinary.
Suddenly, the voice was happy. And all parts of me were happy. And I
Because, suddenly, being authentic was enough. Being Who I Am was beautiful. Being different was beautiful.
And there was an inherent Wisdom I now owned that showed me how much I know.
I know enough. And, whatever insecurities make their appearance from now on, I can just remember that Wisdom of realisation. Which is what makes me beautiful. Which is what makes me happy. Which is what makes me extraordinary.
I am now on a mission to remind you of your extraordinary. To remind you how you can make the world a better place.
By embracing our authenticity, let’s grow to function to the level we are capable of functioning.
Let’s teach each other to be compassionate and giving, by loving oneself and each other unconditionally.
Let’s transform society piece by piece.
We have a lot of work to do.
So let’s not die today, shall we?
All I am I owe to
On this yearlong journey, I had the support of the amazing Yogi Aaron and of the awe-inspiring Karina Mirsky. They passed onto me all the above teachings, and a lot of what I write here is paraphrasing of what they taught me. (Check out Karina's adaptation of the Internal Family System technique.)
On this lifelong journey, I had the support of my family, biological and non-biological.
I had the support of my inner Wisdom.
And I am grateful :)